Falling

I fell today. For the second time in less than a week. Hard. I'll be sore tomorrow (I already am). Last week's tumble was just a fluke. I stepped down weird and my ankle turned. Tonight it was lack of attention. I almost fell off the same landing yesterday when I forgot there was one more step. And I even thought about it today when I was on those stairs again. But somehow it didn't fully register, and all it took was me having my back to the room to forget where (or even that) the landing ended.

Is it the same in my non-physical life? Do I keep falling off the same damn ledge every time? And if so, is it because I keep forgetting that it's there, despite vigilantly reminding myself to be aware? Perhaps. But I think not. I think it isn't forgetting. It isn't inattention. It's stubbornness. It's a desire to be on the ledge, even if it means I might step out into air instead of onto the hoped-for solid ground.

I don't forget how much it hurts each time. That much is certain. But, so far I'm only bruised, in body and in ego. Nothing has broken (except that baby toe that one time falling down the cellar steps. That one stung for sure. And maybe my heart a time or two). Does that portend inexhaustible resilience? Or foolish cockiness? Will I always be able to get back up, massage and ice whatever's damaged, cry a little and keep on climbing up on ledges?

I think my sisters hope I'll start paying closer attention. Not that I'll remain stationary, but that I'll look a little closer before I step, much less leap. Watching where I put my feet. God knows they've helped me across many a literal and figurative stream, steadying me on the rocks and willing me not to slip. And then when I fall they are bemused. They shake their heads. And give me epsom salts and a good stern talking to. I have excellent sisters. We rarely trip over the same hazards.

And I am reminded of a poem (actually it's a song lyric) I wrote several years ago about falling. Evidently I've known this truth about myself for awhile.

There's a letter I once carried from a girl I used to know.
There's a question I once buried, and hoped it wouldn't grow.
There's a truth I have proclaimed and a lie that I have lived.
And the answer that remains, leaking anger like a sieve.

And this is where I stand, and this is how I fell
And if I never land it may be just as well.

And the room was almost empty and the past came to the door
And I lean against it gently, and I end up on the floor.
But if I push too hard the bruises might not heal
So I let down my guard and know exactly how I'll feel.

And this is where I stand, and this is how I fell
And if I never land, I think it's just as well.

And it's best to keep is simple, keep it sweet.
And of course we'll it quiet and discreet
Keep your distance, keep your head
And most of all keep on pretending that you're somewhere else instead

So each of these confessions arrives in masquerade
And each on is a lesson, and each a debt unpaid
Beginning at the end with no much still to lose
Empty paper and a pen and decide which words to use

And this is where I stand, and this is how I fell
And if I never land, you know it's just as well.